My kids are now both in secondary school but when my eldest was in Year 5, there was a class WhatsApp group, which was very active. There was one particular parent who insisted on posting any fundraising request she’d seen on local forums, which always looked suss to me anyway, or if a cat was missing etc, she’d post it on the group. After a few months I politely asked her to keep the chat relevant, which seemed reasonable - and all hell broke loose. I then left the group, wondering why I hadn’t done it before 🤣. When my daughter’s class had a group - I left straight away. Was much easier!
This is brilliant advice. I LOVE a good group chat and enjoy having a chat and so far have found the group chat to me mostly tame, but boyyyy do I see how *people* could get swooped up in it easily (it's me. I'm people. I know myself!!!).
I'll remember this essay for the rest of my life, thank you thank you!
Thank you! There's a lot of new mums on this platform but not many with teen/adult children. I'd love to read your experiences if you decide to write about it.
I'm not a mother, I'm still quite young actually. but this has been my exact experience in uni group chats, yknow, the ones with the whole class in it so there's a ton of people you barely know. My only interaction there was to answer any academic questions which ironically were the questions that took the longest time to get answered or were even ignored entirely. but they had a lot to joke or gossip about for sure!
I am not actively writing in school group chats, but if you want your kids network to grow it’s enough to check in every 3-5 days to see who’s birthdays is, who’d is organizing what, when where? Or are you calling around on a weekly basis to get informed. Go to a nordish country and you can observe what happens if communication is low. Just like in any group of peoples there are always people miss using your potential attention - ignore.
Definitely! I'm learning a lot about the importance of who and what to give my attention to since my children started school. There are suddenly so many more people in our circle that it's important to know how to prioritise. Thanks for commenting
In South Africa, WhatsApp groups are everywhere but unlike you, I can’t resist talking sometimes. My son’s school recently made an app purely so that parents could hear news directly from the school and it has been the best thing ever. No more “what time do the boys have to be at basketball?” “I heard 8”. “No, it’s 10:30”. Etc. 🙈
Great piece. Had the whats app group thing only at the end of my daughter's school years and thank God for that. Younger friends stay they have removed themselves from parents' groups. I refuse to join whats app groups. Too intrusive and too many hostages to fortune.
We have been in Madrid for a couple years. Most kids seem to go home in the bus or stay in activities until late and our class whatsapp is filled with people who have learned your lesson. Say very little. There are hardly any get togethers in the class. People drop their children off at birthdays and hesitate to stay for a drink if invited. They seem to rather not.
From my daughter’s class the only parents I see and regularly talk to are a lovely man from Extremadura who still has it in him to chat, another very funny ex anarchist dad who turns out to be a very disciplined, present parent, who picks his kids up nearly every day and a Mexican mother also somewhat flabbergasted by how little the families at school socialize. And the class parent, who despite zero engagement from parents, still does her best to make sure we have some communication and community in the class.
We invite kids over for playdates, the foreigners, the divorcees who want their kids to have friends, and the people from outside madrid accept and come in for coffee. Madrileños usually drop their kid off like my house is free daycare, if they accept the invitation at all. The madrileños seem weary, guarded, suspicious even. And tired. Madrileños seems to have their kids in activities until 7 or 8 pm.
The chats are a space to have very good manners indeed, but I still try to put myself out there be hospitable and invite people to get together. Even if the only people who take me up seem to be other outsiders.
There is NONE of this drama that you mention because nobody engages at all.
That's so interesting! I live in the south of Spain and I had heard tales of children in Madrid being at school or extracurriculars all day but I thought it may be a bit of an exaggeration. It sounds like we're both struggling on completely different extremes! I hope you continue to find nice people who break the antisocial mould.
I’m feeling like I dodged a bullet here - my daughter’s class has a group which is mostly ‘remember it’s world book day/has anyone seen Susan’s lost jumper’, but apart from that it’s relatively drama-free. It briefly got a bit heated during Covid when there were some loud anti school closure voices, but since then, not much. Does this mean there are other, snarkier chats taking place and I’m just not on them?!
Sounds like you've been lucky, yay! My sister was on a really nice group with her oldest and now we're on this not so great one together and she's shocked. Looks like it's dumb luck
Hi Rebecca, great name!😉 Your post came up when I logged on here and I have not seen your Substack before but want to thank you for writing about this and sorry you have had such terrible experiences with Whatsapp groups and secondly everything you wrote is true. I don't have children but my experiences of being in Whatsapp groups have been similar to yours, nasty and caused re-traumatizatuon to me even though I was confident to speak truth and facts and make sure people knew that they could not mess with me and get away with it, I did it firmly no nonsense but professional. I have only been in 2 Whatsapp groups that were really positive but vowed never to join any Whatsapp groups again unless I deem it absolutely necessary and even then I would say the bare minimum when needed. You are not exaggerating what you wrote. My experiences of Whatsapp groups is that they are a breeding ground and playground for narcissistic people and people with other types of toxic personality styles.
I'm glad you stand up for yourself! It sounds like you're doing really well, despite the crappiness that is whatsapp and people hiding behind screens. Thank you for your comment, it helps!
Thank you! So am I! Thank you for writing about this. You will encourage a lot of people. I hope you are doing alright and healing step by step at your own pace. It has taken years of self education, formal and informal learning/education to bring my confidence up to a level where I can stand in my power and not give a damn about what people think when I am speaking truth and facts and getting the message across that I will not tolerate their disgusting behaviour and there will be consequences-in a mature way.
It's mentally draining to do and it affects me on different ways having to deal with various toxic people but I am not afraid to do it.
If you can get BBC Radio / Sounds stuff, Helen Lewis did an episode of "Helen Lewis Has Left The Chat" on parent WhatsApp groups - some real drama out there!
Gosh the whatsapp groups in my kids classes have been awful across the years. I never engage, I'm only on them incase I forget something that's on in school, but the things that the parents get worked up about baffles me. If I've got an issue with the school or teacher I'll take it up with them directly and not talk about it in a WhatsApp group!
It really shows you a lot about the type of people your children are going to have to deal with throughout their lives, if they take after their parents at all. No wonder the internet is such a dangerous place, even the parents struggle to keep it civil. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you for this! I’m in the UK and I see a lot of truth in what you’re saying here as well. What’s also annoying from my experience is that it’s only the mums who get added to the spin-off groups, and who are chased for responses. It’s safest not to engage unless you’re saying something helpful to everyone (remember to bring a cereal box today!) or absolutely necessary (my son’s lost a shoe!). They’re just drains on our attention and time. From a fellow tall and foreign looking woman :)
Thank you for taking the time to comment! You're absolutely right, some of the dads are on the main group but the rest of the groups are 100% mums. I love imagining us all around the world, the tall and foreign looking women hahah a silent army
I’m in the UK too - I add my husband to every single child related WhatsApp group I am added to! I also tell other people they should do it - so do it! Your labour becomes a lot less invisible and it’s then easier to divide the admin burden that comes with this stuff.
My kids are now both in secondary school but when my eldest was in Year 5, there was a class WhatsApp group, which was very active. There was one particular parent who insisted on posting any fundraising request she’d seen on local forums, which always looked suss to me anyway, or if a cat was missing etc, she’d post it on the group. After a few months I politely asked her to keep the chat relevant, which seemed reasonable - and all hell broke loose. I then left the group, wondering why I hadn’t done it before 🤣. When my daughter’s class had a group - I left straight away. Was much easier!
Oh wow! Leaving sounds liberating... Maybe one day!
This is brilliant advice. I LOVE a good group chat and enjoy having a chat and so far have found the group chat to me mostly tame, but boyyyy do I see how *people* could get swooped up in it easily (it's me. I'm people. I know myself!!!).
I'll remember this essay for the rest of my life, thank you thank you!
I love this comment so much. Thank you!!
Brilliant article. I managed to have two children (now 20 and 13) and never once joined a group. You have articulated all the reasons why. Well done.
Thank you! There's a lot of new mums on this platform but not many with teen/adult children. I'd love to read your experiences if you decide to write about it.
I'm not a mother, I'm still quite young actually. but this has been my exact experience in uni group chats, yknow, the ones with the whole class in it so there's a ton of people you barely know. My only interaction there was to answer any academic questions which ironically were the questions that took the longest time to get answered or were even ignored entirely. but they had a lot to joke or gossip about for sure!
I get this! Thanks for your comment
I am not actively writing in school group chats, but if you want your kids network to grow it’s enough to check in every 3-5 days to see who’s birthdays is, who’d is organizing what, when where? Or are you calling around on a weekly basis to get informed. Go to a nordish country and you can observe what happens if communication is low. Just like in any group of peoples there are always people miss using your potential attention - ignore.
Definitely! I'm learning a lot about the importance of who and what to give my attention to since my children started school. There are suddenly so many more people in our circle that it's important to know how to prioritise. Thanks for commenting
In South Africa, WhatsApp groups are everywhere but unlike you, I can’t resist talking sometimes. My son’s school recently made an app purely so that parents could hear news directly from the school and it has been the best thing ever. No more “what time do the boys have to be at basketball?” “I heard 8”. “No, it’s 10:30”. Etc. 🙈
That sounds like a great app! I learnt the hard way to shut up haha
Great piece. Had the whats app group thing only at the end of my daughter's school years and thank God for that. Younger friends stay they have removed themselves from parents' groups. I refuse to join whats app groups. Too intrusive and too many hostages to fortune.
We have been in Madrid for a couple years. Most kids seem to go home in the bus or stay in activities until late and our class whatsapp is filled with people who have learned your lesson. Say very little. There are hardly any get togethers in the class. People drop their children off at birthdays and hesitate to stay for a drink if invited. They seem to rather not.
From my daughter’s class the only parents I see and regularly talk to are a lovely man from Extremadura who still has it in him to chat, another very funny ex anarchist dad who turns out to be a very disciplined, present parent, who picks his kids up nearly every day and a Mexican mother also somewhat flabbergasted by how little the families at school socialize. And the class parent, who despite zero engagement from parents, still does her best to make sure we have some communication and community in the class.
We invite kids over for playdates, the foreigners, the divorcees who want their kids to have friends, and the people from outside madrid accept and come in for coffee. Madrileños usually drop their kid off like my house is free daycare, if they accept the invitation at all. The madrileños seem weary, guarded, suspicious even. And tired. Madrileños seems to have their kids in activities until 7 or 8 pm.
The chats are a space to have very good manners indeed, but I still try to put myself out there be hospitable and invite people to get together. Even if the only people who take me up seem to be other outsiders.
There is NONE of this drama that you mention because nobody engages at all.
That's so interesting! I live in the south of Spain and I had heard tales of children in Madrid being at school or extracurriculars all day but I thought it may be a bit of an exaggeration. It sounds like we're both struggling on completely different extremes! I hope you continue to find nice people who break the antisocial mould.
I had to quit my full-time job and outsource some of the housework in order to read and respond to the school's whatsapp group.
Really enjoyed this 😊
Thank you! It means a lot.
My favourite line, “I need you to see this for what it is: nothing.”
Thank you!
I’m feeling like I dodged a bullet here - my daughter’s class has a group which is mostly ‘remember it’s world book day/has anyone seen Susan’s lost jumper’, but apart from that it’s relatively drama-free. It briefly got a bit heated during Covid when there were some loud anti school closure voices, but since then, not much. Does this mean there are other, snarkier chats taking place and I’m just not on them?!
Sounds like you've been lucky, yay! My sister was on a really nice group with her oldest and now we're on this not so great one together and she's shocked. Looks like it's dumb luck
My youngest starts school this year so I get to find out if my luck holds!
I hope it does!
Hi Rebecca, great name!😉 Your post came up when I logged on here and I have not seen your Substack before but want to thank you for writing about this and sorry you have had such terrible experiences with Whatsapp groups and secondly everything you wrote is true. I don't have children but my experiences of being in Whatsapp groups have been similar to yours, nasty and caused re-traumatizatuon to me even though I was confident to speak truth and facts and make sure people knew that they could not mess with me and get away with it, I did it firmly no nonsense but professional. I have only been in 2 Whatsapp groups that were really positive but vowed never to join any Whatsapp groups again unless I deem it absolutely necessary and even then I would say the bare minimum when needed. You are not exaggerating what you wrote. My experiences of Whatsapp groups is that they are a breeding ground and playground for narcissistic people and people with other types of toxic personality styles.
I'm glad you stand up for yourself! It sounds like you're doing really well, despite the crappiness that is whatsapp and people hiding behind screens. Thank you for your comment, it helps!
Thank you! So am I! Thank you for writing about this. You will encourage a lot of people. I hope you are doing alright and healing step by step at your own pace. It has taken years of self education, formal and informal learning/education to bring my confidence up to a level where I can stand in my power and not give a damn about what people think when I am speaking truth and facts and getting the message across that I will not tolerate their disgusting behaviour and there will be consequences-in a mature way.
It's mentally draining to do and it affects me on different ways having to deal with various toxic people but I am not afraid to do it.
If you can get BBC Radio / Sounds stuff, Helen Lewis did an episode of "Helen Lewis Has Left The Chat" on parent WhatsApp groups - some real drama out there!
Thank you! I'll definitely listen to this.
Gosh the whatsapp groups in my kids classes have been awful across the years. I never engage, I'm only on them incase I forget something that's on in school, but the things that the parents get worked up about baffles me. If I've got an issue with the school or teacher I'll take it up with them directly and not talk about it in a WhatsApp group!
It really shows you a lot about the type of people your children are going to have to deal with throughout their lives, if they take after their parents at all. No wonder the internet is such a dangerous place, even the parents struggle to keep it civil. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you for this! I’m in the UK and I see a lot of truth in what you’re saying here as well. What’s also annoying from my experience is that it’s only the mums who get added to the spin-off groups, and who are chased for responses. It’s safest not to engage unless you’re saying something helpful to everyone (remember to bring a cereal box today!) or absolutely necessary (my son’s lost a shoe!). They’re just drains on our attention and time. From a fellow tall and foreign looking woman :)
Thank you for taking the time to comment! You're absolutely right, some of the dads are on the main group but the rest of the groups are 100% mums. I love imagining us all around the world, the tall and foreign looking women hahah a silent army
I’m in the UK too - I add my husband to every single child related WhatsApp group I am added to! I also tell other people they should do it - so do it! Your labour becomes a lot less invisible and it’s then easier to divide the admin burden that comes with this stuff.