The parents' group chat

Step away from the phone

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I don’t know if this is something that only happens here or it’s terrorizing phones everywhere but when your child starts school in Spain, or even daycare if you’re unlucky, not a long time will pass before you get a notification on your phone saying ‘’You were added to…’’ (insert the name of the class, the grade they are, in the letter or whatever). Congrats, you have been added to a Whatsapp group with another 25-50 parents who will now have unlimited access to you if they so desire or you let them.

Thing is, these groups have a tendency to mutate, too. So where you start in September with one group, by the end of May you may have anywhere between 5 and 10. If your child is in the same class for more than one term, you’ll be exiting group chats and deleting them all over the place.

Let’s see some of the basic iterations of the parent group chat:

• A group that is basically a broadcast list where the head of your class will send the info the school sends her.

• A group where you, the common folk, can talk about what was said on the broadcast group.

• A group to make plans in the afternoons and weekends.

• A group for every birthday party with an accompanying group for every birthday present. The difference between those two groups is that one of them will be created by the parent in charge of organizing the party and the other will have been created by the person who has taken it upon themselves to make sure that child gets a present.

Since I have just explained the ridiculous amount of whatsapp groups you may find yourself a member of, what I’m about to say may surprise you:

Do not, under any circumstance, talk on these groups.

If you have to talk, I’ll let you say the following three things:

‘’Hello, I’m … , ...’s mum. Nice to meet you all!’’

‘’I’d love to your kid’s birthday party, thank you so much for inviting us! … will be so excited!’’

‘’I’ll send you the money in a second, thanks for organizing the present. We really appreciate it.’’

That’s it. Those are the valid sentences. Anything outside those sentences is seen as entering the danger zone. You’re probably thinking I’m exaggerating but I really don’t think I am. The people who will be reading your messages on a whatsapp group don’t know you. I know you think what you’re saying is as plain as day but it really isn’t, it takes inflections and face and body gestures to get to know someone. You don’t want people to think they know you because of some flat messages they have read in a group. You also don’t want to die on whatever hill may be relevant that week.

The thing about these groups is there is always an issue, always something people are complaining about and it’s always PRESSING. Nevertheless, I need you to see this for what it is: nothing. The nonsensical issues these parents are so worried about are nothing. The loud speaker that plays music at drop off and pick up is too loud or the kids went for a walk without their coats on… who cares? It’s really not worth your time. If you’re bothered, talk to the teacher or to the parent who represents the class at school, talk to whoever you want but try to make it happen in a real life setting or a one to one conversation.

These messages may seem like a bit of fun with people in a similar situation to yours (you all have x year olds, they all go to that same school, your child talks about their child at dinner time) but something I have learnt is that this stuff gets really ugly really fast. Before you know it, someone has said something to the teacher and hurt her feelings or word gets out that the parents from your class have a bad attitude. Problem number one is caused by one person whose message about nonsensical issue number 1000 was answered by maybe 3 people (2 of whom may have reacted with a thumbs up emoji) speaking to the teacher in representation of the whole class about said issue that only they care about. Problem number two seems dumb but you really don’t want to be a part of the bad class, the teachers look at you funny and everyone expects trouble from you, even though it is literally one person who’s messing up the vibes.

I told my husband the other day that when my second child goes to school I will not talk on the whatsapp group (except for the three sentences above). He asked me what on earth had led me to write in this group. Well, I wanted people to like me. I’m very tall, very serious and look foreign so I have had people throughout my life tell me I look unapproachable. I thought that if I was friendly on the chat, people would, you know, approach me. Funnily enough (though not actually funny at all) it didn’t work. The first group I was ever in, I fought people about the present for the teacher. ‘’Why did I care if they wanted to buy her a lamp with fake handprints on it? Who gives a shit?’’ Is what I think now. However, I really cared. My child loved that teacher and I didn’t want them to get a crappy present from us. It wasn’t worth it and I won’t be seeing those people again. What I see now is that it was a very good life lesson.

When my son started school, I thought ‘’neutral, neutral, neutral '’. I failed, though. Not too badly, I think, but badly enough for me to be writing this. There are some things you have to remember:

• People don’t know you and they don’t like you. Most people haven’t worked on themselves enough to be at a point where they want to give others the benefit of the doubt. Innocent until proven guilty isn’t a thing. A lot of people dislike until they like, especially when they are forced to be in a group with others.

• Any meaningful relationships will be built in real life.

• The words you say in the heat of the moment will be available to these people to read, share and mock you with FOREVER. They won’t mock you to your face, but eventually there will be little subgroups of people talking about what’s going on in the group and you don’t want to give those people anything to munch on.

A situation: you’re having a laugh with some people in a group about something that has happened with somebody who is generally understood to not be a nice person. The person in question has been disrespectful to the teacher, the other parents and has made up lies about the children. You think it’s perfectly safe to have a laugh at this person’s expense. I mean that literally, most of your messages are ‘’hahahha’’ to stuff other people are saying. Nevertheless, there are several issues with this situation:

1. There are people who aren’t answering or reacting to these messages in the group but they are reading them. These people are probably judging the conversation in a private chat with another person. You’d think a lot of people are actually busy, but I’d say the percentage of busy vs gossiping is a lot lower than you’d think.

2. Allegiances change and you don’t want to be caught in a situation where you’re wondering whether your kid isn’t being invited to that kid’s birthday party because you said ‘’hahah’’ to a stupid message.

3. You’ll be pigeonholed: Anything you say that is an opinion will become your whole identity to some of these people. They won’t ever get to know you so this thing you said in response to someone, words you won’t remember two days from now, will be you. Yesterday, a mum I hadn’t spoken to before told me that there was an idiot on the whatsapp group. She wouldn’t tell me who the person was (maybe it was me, for all both of us know), because she wouldn’t be able to point her out in a crowd, but she dislikes her simply from reading her messages.

There are people who think they can get away with murder on whatsapp groups because they are SUPER FRIENDLY in person, as if the radicalism somehow disappeared. It doesn’t. People think they’re crazy but they’re crazy in a way they understand. If you have very strong convictions and you don’t mind people disagreeing, arguing with you, etc. more power to you. That’s not me. I have enough with my children and the people I care about in real life.

I’m writing this because I really didn’t cope with the groups well when I started being added to them. I’d write something and then no one would answer or I’d say something and then regret it. I’d worry about coming off this way or that way, what if they misunderstood? I’m nice, I swear! It’s unnecessary. There is no rush. You are going to be in these people’s lives for years, there is really no rush for you to get to know them online. Relationships are built out of hundreds of interactions, conversations, nods and laughter. You don’t need the whatsapp group. Also, remember something important, people always show their true colours at the end. Online and offline. I can’t say I’m not enjoying watching the process unfold in our groups.

Lots of love

Rebecca.

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